


She Watched

by Musikenza



Series: You Don't Have To Be Who They Want You To Be [2]
Category: Supergirl (TV 2015), supercorp - Fandom
Genre: Angst, F/F, Fix-It of Sorts, Season 3
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-29
Updated: 2018-04-29
Packaged: 2019-04-29 18:51:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,640
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14478978
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Musikenza/pseuds/Musikenza





	She Watched

She watched. Who wouldn’t? Humans were drawn to the dark and the macabre. There was some instinct that should have kicked in, some instinct that would have forced her to avert her gaze. She was vaguely aware of the people surrounding her doing just that. But, she was frozen; her muscles in shock, not allowing her any sort of control. And for some reason, all she could think about was that she had just kissed James Olsen. 

She could feel his presence next to her. She could feel that he was in the same state, frozen in shock and disbelief. And she wondered if he was thinking about the kiss too because then it would mean that she was not alone. That what was happening before her eyes triggered her brain to completely dissolve into madness. Because thinking about kissing James Olsen in the current moment was complete absurdity.

She had not wanted to kiss James Olsen. But, she had made the conscious decision to kiss James Olsen. Sam had been urging her to take a chance on Kara. She knew Kara had no idea what they had been discussing when she popped into the kitchen and mistook Lena’s glazed eyes staring into nothingness as being enamored with James, who unfortunately happened to be directly in her line of sight. It was a chain of events she could not have foreseen. That’s how it always was with Kara. 

So, she did what her best friend encouraged her to do because she was feeling small and alone and in that moment, way too much pity for herself than a Luthor was ever taught to feel. She took comfort that James had not wanted her any more than she had wanted him. The first was their last. She knew he had been caught off guard when she kissed him but he had kissed her back. When she pulled away the first time, he had been stoic, not making eye contact. He might have initiated the second kiss but that was when she knew there was nothing there. He was trying too hard to make her feel like she was the person he wanted to be kissing. It was false urgency and faux passion all wrapped up in an experience that only told them both what they knew from the start: they weren’t right for each other.

Lena was not oblivious in the least. Her skills of observation were incomparable. She saw the stolen glances James had only for Kara. She heard how he spoke to her softly and encouragingly and without any cruelty. She saw how he looked at Kara with love in his eyes, even though he knew they would not get a second chance. It was hard not to look at Kara with love in your eyes. Kara was hope personified. 

It was selfish to appreciate that James was the one standing next to her, but then again, there had only ever been one person who dared call a Luthor selfless. It was selfish because she knew that later on, when this was a past event, she would never wish it on anyone. But at the moment, James stood next to her in solidarity. They watched in horror. She watched with fear. She watched with hopelessness. She watched.

She had dissociated within seconds. She was watching herself watch. And seeing the scene twice was unbearable. Every single time she saw Kara fight she was filled with nervous anxiety and an excruciating fear of loss but she also saw Kara win every time. So, when Kara drove the attacker into the ground, the asphalt breaking around them, cars spinning out of the way, Lena caught her breath. This she was used to. Kara would stand back up and keep on fighting. And she did. She left punch after earth-shattering punch. The assailant didn’t fall but rose to the challenge, retaliating. The noise reverberated through the streets. That was when Lena realized that the last time she heard that sort of power was when the fight had been Kryptonian versus Kryptonian. Then, the panic settled in.

There was red, marring skin. The image flickered in Lena’s mind, not making sense. Kara didn’t bleed; her skin didn’t break. She was invulnerable, made of tougher stuff. But Kara was kneeling on the ground for a long time and Lena knew that the blood was real and that Kara was just as scared as she was. This was the first time Lena had ever wished Kara would not get back up. If she stayed down, it was over. Maybe the villain won but life isn’t perfect and sometimes the villains do win. But Lena knew Kara too well and no matter how much she tried to impart that wish down the street, Kara did the thing Lena loved about her most: she got back up, refusing to stand down.

Everything was going to be fine because Kara was back on two feet. And tomorrow she would be sitting on the couch in Lena’s office with a bright smile as she picked apart her lunch. And Lena would smile, tilt her head and try to refrain from compromising herself in front of her best friend. And then Kara would laugh and Lena would feel warm. And eventually Kara would leave to go back to work and promise to see Lena later and Lena would nod and go back to work because she didn’t have to worry about Kara breaking promises. 

Kara stumbled. That was normal. When people get hit, they stumble. But Kara kept stumbling, trying to find her footing. Lena grabbed onto James’ arm tight and could feel his muscles tensing under her fingers. He was gearing up to help. She refused to look at his face because if she instead imagined the expression on it, then she could continue to lie to herself. 

Kara almost fell to the ground but the attacker grabbed her by the front of her suit. It seemed to be the only reason Kara was still standing. Her head was lolling to the side, her eyes fluttering. And when she was dropped unceremoniously to the ground, Lena lurched forward. James held an arm out in front of her but it wasn’t necessary. Her body wouldn’t move forward; it didn’t want to. The red was a figment of her imagination that would only be real if she saw it up close. 

Lena didn’t know the woman in red and blue. She was a stranger, an imposter, an unknown entity. A human stand-in until her beloved Kryptonian arrived. She was crawling across the broken road, dragging herself up the debris and with much effort, pushed herself up. It was an image of hope amidst fear. She was tall and proud and bit back the pain. It was a perfect impression.

The woman’s eyes flickered past her attacker and she was looking at Lena. They were the same blue eyes Lena looked into every day. There was the same crinkle of worry on her forehead that, usually endearing, was now telling a whole other story. The moment was passing though Lena stared on. Seeing her eyes, there was no ounce of doubt that that was Kara standing there in the flickering lights of the broken streetlamps. But she looked wrong. Her face too dirtied. The red plastering her forehead and lips too bright. They were invaders, things that didn’t belong on the face of someone so pure of heart; it was hard to conceive. She watched in disbelief. She watched in horror. She watched.

She was tired. Lena could see it in the slump of her shoulders and the way that she breathed. Her knees were bent against the weight of her own body. That could be fixed easily. Kara just needed to go home and sleep. Lena would text her to make sure she got home okay and Kara would send back a smiley face emoji and too many exclamation marks. Lena wouldn’t respond so Kara could sleep and she would turn the lamp on and go back to work.

When they disappeared from sight, Lena’s legs decided to work, pitching her forward. James caught her, keeping her upright even though her knees were buckling and her lungs were heaving in her chest. She pushed roughly against him and eventually he let her go. Her vision was blurry, but not from tears, her eyes were dry. She could not get enough air. 

She ripped off her heels, tossing them aside and ran across the destruction in the street, eyes scanning the sky. She could feel her feet cut by rock and glass, displaced from the fight but the pain did not register. She heard James shouting for her but she did not turn. She tripped on the sidewalk, the pavement skinning the top of her foot, and stumbled into a crowd of people, all who were looking up into the night sky. There was a shadow far up, seemingly dangling in midair, outlined by the lights shining out from the helicopters that had arrived on the scene. 

The shadow was dropped. The gasps and the cries around her made Lena’s silence so much more deafening. With each foot the shadow dropped, Lena felt a part of herself slip away. She was an empty casing created to simply watch, devoid of feeling and unaware of any outside presence. That was her only purpose. She watched.

She saw James’ face in front of her, his eyes trying so hard to make it what they both needed. She could not get the memory out of her head. She grew angry with herself. She wasted precious moments listening to Kara’s insane nonsense that she wanted anyone else. Moments she could have been confessing to Kara as Sam urged her to do. Moments she could have been looking into Kara’s eyes and smiling. Moments that were now impossible as she watched them disappear before her eyes. She watched a shadow fall that was meant to fly.

The sound was horrendous, earth-shattering. Bones of lesser strength would have been pulverized. The broken concrete was splattered red. Lena could see the lights of the emergency vehicles and the spotlights from the choppers moving back and forth across the ground, illuminating the scene, but the world was silent for her. No alarms blared and no sirens rang out in the night. Nothing happened in real time. She opened her mouth, a horrible cry coming out as she bent at the waist with a huge weight crushing her down. Arms wrapped around her waist, pulling her back but she shoved them off, stumbling forward, climbing unbecomingly over the broken pavement and falling to her knees, courage failing. 

The first thing she saw clearly was the chest plate shining in the intensity of the lights surrounding them. It stood out in honor, naming the fallen warrior. The concrete had cracked in a way that held the body up as if on a pedestal, angled for the entire world to see. She looked. She broke.

Sobs as she had never experienced ripped from her throat. The ways in which she had always felt loss before were nothing compared to this. It was a cold, empty, unfeeling type of grief that allowed her to push it aside and move on. This filled her with more pain that she could have ever imagined one person could live with. She would never recover, bent over, screaming in agony until the pain consumed her and her body could no longer tolerate the intense emotion it was being subjected to. 

Losing Kara was losing the first person that had cared for her and expected nothing in return. She looked into a face that she could trick herself into thinking was asleep if it wasn’t for the gore that covered it. Kara’s eyes were closed, her face slack, head falling to the right. Dark red, matted blood stuck in her hair from the large gash on her forehead that was still bleeding. The cut on her lip had covered her chin with red. Bruises that should have already been disappearing were darkening, discoloring the face Lena looked forward to seeing every day.

Lena heaved and fell forward, throwing her body over Kara and hugging her tightly. Her nails dug into the leather suit. 

Without warning, the volume of the world returned. She heard her screams for the first time. They were unfamiliar and animalistic. She was trying to grieve over the sirens and crowd and the orders being shouted all around. She heard a deep voice in her ear, saying her name over and over, almost as if it thought Lena would ever let go. Arms were pulling at her and voices she didn’t recognize were trying to coax her away. Clearing the scene. 

Someone knelt on the other side of the body. A calm voice spoke to her, explaining that she needed to move so they could remove Supergirl from the public. She needed to move so they could save Supergirl’s life.

Lena looked up, tunnel vision narrowing her vision so that everything was blurry except Alex’s face. Her mouth was moving and Lena could hear her but it sounded like it was coming from underwater. You need to let go. We need to move her. I’m so sorry. You need to let go but you don’t have to leave her. Come on. Come on now.

She could not understand why Alex was tearless and composed while her sister was beaten and bruised, lying motionless in front of her. She was looking into pleading eyes and she found herself nodding slowly. Alex helped her up while motioning for a stretcher. Lena wanted to yell at them not to move Kara. She wanted to scream at them not to touch her. But Alex was already leading her away and she went, numb, her legs felt like lead. Alex helped her into the back of an ambulance, where she sat on the seat and looked out the back doors.

The sidewalk and street were packed with bystanders. Emergency vehicles were parked every which way on the street. Lights were scanning the sky. People were shouting everywhere and Lena could not understand a single thing being said. She saw James, the real James this time, not a memory. He was being held back by agents in black, with a hand over his mouth. He was crying and he was looking nowhere except at the woman he loved, who was broken on the ground.

She could no longer see Kara, there were too many people crowding around her. And then, Alex was back and Kara was on a stretcher, being pushed into the back of the ambulance. Other people jumped into the back though Lena could decipher none of their jobs. Hands were all over Kara. Every needle tried broke. Stay with me. Stay with me. There was nothing else they could do in the unstable truck. They had to wait. Kara was pale. They wrapped her head. Lena could not tell if she was breathing or not. They put an oxygen mask over her face. Stay with me. Stay with me.

One of Kara’s hands had fallen off the gurney. Lena reached out and squeezed hard. She could feel the stickiness of the blood on her skin but she held on. Alex was staring at Kara and muttering something that Lena could not hear over the sounds of the people who were working on saving Kara’s life. They tried needles again. Lena wanted to laugh at the pure ridiculousness of it all. This Kryptonian risked her life every day to save as many humans as she could and now, when it came down to it, there was no human that could save her. 

There was no hope. 

And so, she watched.


End file.
